We tend to put the cart before the horse when it comes to finding a lifelong partner. Beauty or wealth are only secondary ingredients for a relationship to last. Let’s see together, the 2 essential ingredients that make the marriage locomotive work.
A Common Mission
For a couple to function in the long term, there must be a convergence of mission, that is to say a great objective to achieve, the reason why they came on earth. When the mission is different, one or the other will necessarily have to compromise, which can cause disappointment and frustration. Sometimes it’s not even a question of a different mission because one member of the couple actually has no desire to accomplish a particular mission. If you pair up with someone who is negative or toxic, you may downgrade your goals and ultimately fail to accomplish your mission.
Shared values are also important and are second in this ranking. Many couples share common values but the problem is that they don’t have the same mission, which pushes them into a dead end. Values underlie the mission you want to achieve. They are there to create strong bonds, an esprit de corps, we could say. It’s a bit like a sports team, you need to be united and share values of respect and mutual support. Now imagine that in this team you have people who want to win the Rugby World Cup (athlete mentality) and others who just want to have a good time (leisure mentality). You can see that although both types of members share the same values of mutual support, their missions are in direct conflict. They can’t reasonably expect to play on the same team for very long. I have used a rather caricatural example, in reality such profiles will not be able to play more than one game of rugby together. In the life of a couple, it is a little more subtle because in general, people have missions that are quite close although they are different and they can generate real problems in the long term. Imagine that a person wants to live a quiet and sedentary family life but her husband aspires to have a family life while living in 3 different countries every year. They both want a family but their mode of operation is significantly different. Having such a difference can create a lot of tension.
Having common interests is a bonus, you don’t need them to have a lasting relationship. If you have the same mission and values, that’s enough. That said, having common interests is the icing on the cake. You have the opportunity to share time together around activities you both enjoy. Imagine if you both loved rock climbing, you could spend afternoons enjoying each other’s passion in natural areas. Passions put oil in a relationship, they avoid friction. However, they are not enough on their own in a relationship, you need something deeper than that.
The Mistake Of Putting Common Interests On A Pedestal
What often happens is that people only see common interests or at most common values. You met your spouse at the same golf club, the same gym or at the manga fan event. That’s great, but it’s not enough to share only passions. These are only a superficial part of who you are. Of course, if one of your passions turns out to be your mission as well as your spouse’s, that’s another thing. As a rule, there are few passions that have the potential to become a life mission.
So How Do You Find Your Soul Mate?
First of all, you need to know who you are: what your values are and what your mission is. Without this, you will be groping your way forward and making bad choices. It is much better to invest time and energy in getting to know yourself better. It may take years, but it’s worth it.
Finding The Right Person
There is a Taoist saying: when the student is ready, the teacher appears.
It is a bit the same in love, if you have worked on yourself, if you have improved your awareness, the right person will eventually appear. It is a matter of time, work and patience in a way. Of course, in some cases you will have to “provoke” the encounter and come out of your den if this is the case. With rare exceptions, that is to say the case of people who by their work or their life simply can’t get in touch with people, I would say that this Taoist saying is true.