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Why Conflicts In Relationships Come Out of Alienation?

Human psychology has been deeply studied by Buddhism. The solutions of some problems are solved by following some general precepts that we meet in our daily rut. Erasing most of our desires is one general rule that needs to be followed by a set of other principles that come along with it.

Chosing to understand Buddhism and apply some of its core principles can help us improving our relationships.

Unconsciously, we tend to develop expectations from our friends and even more from our life partners. Investing time and energy into a relationship may give us the sensation of deserving something in return, such as getting attention, love, compassion or esteem. By doing so we tend to want to deprive our friends or partner of his or her own freedom: freedom of choice and action. Because we expect something in return, we may be trapped in one of the buddhist warning. Actually, we both – the friend and us – become alienated by the relationship that we create that consequently prevents us from acting totally genuinely and disinterestedly. Because every human been has a sense of loyalty, we tend to answer favorably to the expectations of our friends and partners to keep the very relationship, somehow at the expense of our own spontaneousity. Although this attitude is honorable, it can lead to a greater level of dissatisfaction and in the long-run could damage the bondarings that has been built.

Wanting to control everything prevents us from embracing uncertainty as well as its blessings

We cannot be in a relationship and not have a certain degree of expectation. By its own nature, a relationship may create some alienation: to preserve it, we need to abide by its laws and reduce our own identity. However, we shall not venture to lose who we are, in all cases a relation grows thanks to its members, not the depletion of them.

Likewise, a relationship benefits from a certain level of uncertainty. Indeed, it’s through novelty and unpredictability that we are able to strengthen links and find out what are their true value. Accepting what is shown to us and being able to react in smooth moves proves to ourselves that we have integrated some of Buddhism philosophy,  as well as that we are capable of living a serene and non-alien
relationship. Uncertainty paradoxically brings resilience.

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