There are many ways to confront our inner demons. Some people manage to overcome them, but end up hurting others in the process. Others, by contrast, face their struggles without becoming a burden to their loved ones or to the people around them. Sometimes we learn how to cope the hard way — by suffering even more — and sometimes we learn through experience, reflection, and self-awareness.
The most likable people are usually those who have taken the time to develop a more mature way of dealing with their challenges, often by reflecting on their experiences and learning from the mistakes of others.
We all have our neuroses. What truly differentiates us is how we choose to face them.
Negative ways of coping
Denial
Denial is an “unconscious defense mechanism in which an individual refuses to accept a reality perceived as too painful, threatening, or traumatic for their psychological balance.”
Although this definition may sound harmless, it is anything but. Every ignored trauma eventually resurfaces in one form or another—either within oneself or onto others.
Living in denial immediately affects the people around you, who cannot help but see the reality you are avoiding. They often feel uneasy in your presence, and that discomfort mirrors your own unacknowledged emotions, buried in the unconscious yet surfacing from time to time.
You may unconsciously shut out your trauma, but others often see through you more clearly than you realize. This disconnect makes it difficult to build genuine or healthy relationships, because you haven’t done your part of the emotional work that every balanced relationship requires.
Projection
Projection is a defense mechanism in which a person attributes to others the thoughts, emotions, desires, or intentions they refuse to acknowledge as their own.
This mechanism resembles denial, except the inner conflict resurfaces through blaming or accusing others.
For example, someone who fears abandonment or feels attraction toward other people may end up accusing their partner of infidelity. Repeated and unfounded accusations are often a hallmark of psychological projection.
Projection is widespread, especially in the way we interact with others. There is usually a form of reciprocity between how we speak to ourselves and how we speak to others: the more we dislike or reject parts of ourselves, the harder it becomes to communicate with kindness and goodwill. Our relationships often serve as a clear mirror of our inner struggles.
Splitting (all good / all bad)
When someone struggles to manage their inner conflicts, they may attempt to simplify the world into a Manichaean vision: everything is either entirely good or entirely bad.
The problem with splitting is that it prevents us from grasping the complexity of reality and distances us from the truth, which almost always lies in a nuanced, grey middle ground.
Splitting can function as a kind of mental shortcut, helping us think more quickly when overwhelmed. However, it often leads to distorted judgments and poor decision-making. Seeing the world as “all black” or “all white” is a common sign that this defense mechanism is at work.
Idealization / Devaluation
This mechanism follows the same black-and-white logic as splitting: the other person is perceived either as perfect or as mediocre and unworthy of interest. Idealization temporarily protects us from our anxieties by attributing extraordinary qualities to someone—a partner, mentor, or authority figure—but this illusion inevitably collapses. When that happens, we swing into devaluation, abruptly rejecting the very same person for flaws that are often exaggerated. This emotional yo-yo harms not only our relationships, but also our own inner stability.
Our inability to see the other person clearly at the beginning of a relationship can hinder the smoothness of our interactions. Indeed, the other person may feel uncomfortable, knowing that they do not deserve such idealization. Sooner or later, disillusionment is likely to occur. For this reason, it is better to be honest from the start and acknowledge the other person’s flaws; otherwise, it can create insecurity, as the person may fear that the loss of idealization could happen at any time.
Of course, at the same time, we all have narcissistic tendencies, so such a situation may actually be pleasant for the other person, as it flatters their ego. However, this is ultimately a trap for both people, as time will inevitably reveal the truth. That is why it is always best to avoid giving in to idealization.
Passive Aggression
Aggression does not always erupt openly. Sometimes it manifests through indirect behaviors: repeated lateness, prolonged silence, small ironic remarks, or subtle sabotage. Passive aggression is a way of expressing conflict while avoiding responsibility for it. It erodes trust and creates an unstable relational climate, as those around can sense the tension but cannot clearly name it.
When we realize that we are engaging in passive aggression, it is always helpful to try to understand why. This is not easy, since we are often largely unconscious of it when it happens. There are often uncomfortable or shame-laden reasons behind it: envy; an inability to confront someone openly; feelings of unworthiness; and similar dynamics.
Acting Out
Acting out consists of expressing repressed emotions through impulsive actions. It may involve slamming a door, abruptly ending a relationship, or suddenly engaging in excessive consumption, spending, or shouting. Instead of putting emotions into words, the person discharges them through behavior. This may bring temporary relief, but the consequences are often destructive.
Most of us have acted this way at some point, especially during adolescence, when we were largely unaware of the motivations behind aggressive or foolish behavior. As we grow older, we may become wiser and better able to regulate our emotions, leading to a reduction—or even the disappearance—of acting out. However, some adults continue to behave in this manner, which can become a source of suffering for themselves and for those around them.
Projective Identification
This is a more subtle mechanism: a person projects a feeling or intention onto another and then behaves in ways that lead the other person to actually adopt that feeling. For example, someone may act cold or hostile until the other truly becomes distant. This mechanism creates a vicious cycle that damages relationships and traps each person in imposed roles.
Put simply, we may unconsciously try to turn the other person into a version of ourselves so that we do not have to face our own uncomfortable feelings. When this occurs, the recipient may experience the other as “toxic,” as if they are attempting to dump all of their emotional “garbage” onto them.
Magical Thinking
Magical thinking consists of believing that our thoughts, wishes, or inner rituals can directly influence reality. This mechanism often emerges when a person is trying to regain a sense of control over a situation that feels overwhelming. However, it tends to lead to the avoidance of concrete action and of direct confrontation with reality.
We are all prone to some degree of magical thinking; religions are a clear example of how this tendency can become institutionalized. At a young age, it is generally benign and even developmentally normal. In adult life, however, magical thinking can become a significant impediment, especially when daily life is structured and constrained by it. It may lead to isolation, as others may perceive the person as strange, awkward, or even weak. The first step toward reducing magical thinking is to pay close attention to our decisions and to examine the degree of rationality underlying them.
Somatization
Here, unrecognized emotions express themselves through the body in the form of pain, tension, digestive problems, or migraines. This is not imaginary; it is a way of discharging a psychological conflict that cannot be put into words. The body becomes the last refuge of unprocessed suffering.
This phenomenon is common, yet we often fail to pay sufficient attention to what our bodies are trying to tell us. Somatization can be reduced—or even prevented—by regularly observing bodily signals and reflecting on the emotional states that may underlie them. Doing so requires a degree of self-awareness, along with a personal willingness to cultivate practices that heighten attention to these signals.
Autistic Fantasy
This mechanism involves retreating into an imaginary inner world in order to avoid the frustrations of reality. While daydreaming is normal, autistic fantasy becomes problematic when it replaces action, communication, and engagement with the external world.
This is a frequent behaviour in childhood, especially among children who grow up as only children or who are separated from their siblings for various reasons (such as age gaps or gender differences). To cope with a gloomy reality, children may be inclined to invent an imaginary world in which they play a completely different role. This tendency can be observed, for instance, in children who read fantasy books or play video games. Such forms of escape may help them endure daily life when, outside these imaginary realms, they do not play a leading role.
In adulthood, however, indulging in autistic fantasies may have serious consequences, such as difficulty living a normal adult life, since this tendency is far more socially accepted at a young age than later in life.
Regression
When faced with stress, some people may adopt more childlike behaviors: excessive dependence, frequent complaints, disproportionate demands for attention, and an inability to make decisions. This represents an unconscious attempt to return to a time when they felt protected, but it undermines personal autonomy and places a heavy burden on those around them.
It may also express a desire to return to childhood because they did not feel sufficiently loved or cared for when they were young. In this sense, they seek to live the childhood they feel they never truly had.
[…] the continuation of this article will be published next week.
