There are many ways to confront our inner demons. Some people manage to overcome them, but end up hurting others in the process. Others, by contrast, face their struggles without becoming a burden to their loved ones or to the people around them. Sometimes we learn how to cope the hard way — by suffering even more — and sometimes we learn through experience, reflection, and self-awareness.
The most likable people are usually those who have taken the time to develop a more mature way of dealing with their challenges, often by reflecting on their experiences and learning from the mistakes of others.
We all have our neuroses. What truly differentiates us is how we choose to face them.
Negative ways of coping
Denial
Denial is an “unconscious defense mechanism in which an individual refuses to accept a reality perceived as too painful, threatening, or traumatic for their psychological balance.”
Although this definition may sound harmless, it is anything but. Every ignored trauma eventually resurfaces in one form or another—either within oneself or onto others.
Living in denial immediately affects the people around you, who cannot help but see the reality you are avoiding. They often feel uneasy in your presence, and that discomfort mirrors your own unacknowledged emotions, buried in the unconscious yet surfacing from time to time.
You may unconsciously shut out your trauma, but others often see through you more clearly than you realize. This disconnect makes it difficult to build genuine or healthy relationships, because you haven’t done your part of the emotional work that every balanced relationship requires.
Projection
Projection is a defense mechanism in which a person attributes to others the thoughts, emotions, desires, or intentions they refuse to acknowledge as their own.
This mechanism resembles denial, except the inner conflict resurfaces through blaming or accusing others.
For example, someone who fears abandonment or feels attraction toward other people may end up accusing their partner of infidelity. Repeated and unfounded accusations are often a hallmark of psychological projection.
Projection is widespread, especially in the way we interact with others. There is usually a form of reciprocity between how we speak to ourselves and how we speak to others: the more we dislike or reject parts of ourselves, the harder it becomes to communicate with kindness and goodwill. Our relationships often serve as a clear mirror of our inner struggles.
Splitting (all good / all bad)
When someone struggles to manage their inner conflicts, they may attempt to simplify the world into a Manichaean vision: everything is either entirely good or entirely bad.
The problem with splitting is that it prevents us from grasping the complexity of reality and distances us from the truth, which almost always lies in a nuanced, grey middle ground.
Splitting can function as a kind of mental shortcut, helping us think more quickly when overwhelmed. However, it often leads to distorted judgments and poor decision-making. Seeing the world as “all black” or “all white” is a common sign that this defense mechanism is at work.
Idealization / Devaluation
This mechanism follows the same black-and-white logic as splitting: the other person is perceived either as perfect or as mediocre and unworthy of interest. Idealization temporarily protects us from our anxieties by attributing extraordinary qualities to someone—a partner, mentor, or authority figure—but this illusion inevitably collapses. When that happens, we swing into devaluation, abruptly rejecting the very same person for flaws that are often exaggerated. This emotional yo-yo harms not only our relationships, but also our own inner stability.
Our inability to see the other person clearly at the beginning of a relationship can hinder the smoothness of our interactions. Indeed, the other person may feel uncomfortable, knowing that they do not deserve such idealization. Sooner or later, disillusionment is likely to occur. For this reason, it is better to be honest from the start and acknowledge the other person’s flaws; otherwise, it can create insecurity, as the person may fear that the loss of idealization could happen at any time.
Of course, at the same time, we all have narcissistic tendencies, so such a situation may actually be pleasant for the other person, as it flatters their ego. However, this is ultimately a trap for both people, as time will inevitably reveal the truth. That is why it is always best to avoid giving in to idealization.
Passive Aggression
Aggression does not always erupt openly. Sometimes it manifests through indirect behaviors: repeated lateness, prolonged silence, small ironic remarks, or subtle sabotage. Passive aggression is a way of expressing conflict while avoiding responsibility for it. It erodes trust and creates an unstable relational climate, as those around can sense the tension but cannot clearly name it.
When we realize that we are engaging in passive aggression, it is always helpful to try to understand why. This is not easy, since we are often largely unconscious of it when it happens. There are often uncomfortable or shame-laden reasons behind it: envy; an inability to confront someone openly; feelings of unworthiness; and similar dynamics.
Acting Out
Acting out consists of expressing repressed emotions through impulsive actions. It may involve slamming a door, abruptly ending a relationship, or suddenly engaging in excessive consumption, spending, or shouting. Instead of putting emotions into words, the person discharges them through behavior. This may bring temporary relief, but the consequences are often destructive.
Most of us have acted this way at some point, especially during adolescence, when we were largely unaware of the motivations behind aggressive or foolish behavior. As we grow older, we may become wiser and better able to regulate our emotions, leading to a reduction—or even the disappearance—of acting out. However, some adults continue to behave in this manner, which can become a source of suffering for themselves and for those around them.
Projective Identification
This is a more subtle mechanism: a person projects a feeling or intention onto another and then behaves in ways that lead the other person to actually adopt that feeling. For example, someone may act cold or hostile until the other truly becomes distant. This mechanism creates a vicious cycle that damages relationships and traps each person in imposed roles.
Put simply, we may unconsciously try to turn the other person into a version of ourselves so that we do not have to face our own uncomfortable feelings. When this occurs, the recipient may experience the other as “toxic,” as if they are attempting to dump all of their emotional “garbage” onto them.
Magical Thinking
Magical thinking consists of believing that our thoughts, wishes, or inner rituals can directly influence reality. This mechanism often emerges when a person is trying to regain a sense of control over a situation that feels overwhelming. However, it tends to lead to the avoidance of concrete action and of direct confrontation with reality.
We are all prone to some degree of magical thinking; religions are a clear example of how this tendency can become institutionalized. At a young age, it is generally benign and even developmentally normal. In adult life, however, magical thinking can become a significant impediment, especially when daily life is structured and constrained by it. It may lead to isolation, as others may perceive the person as strange, awkward, or even weak. The first step toward reducing magical thinking is to pay close attention to our decisions and to examine the degree of rationality underlying them.
Somatization
Here, unrecognized emotions express themselves through the body in the form of pain, tension, digestive problems, or migraines. This is not imaginary; it is a way of discharging a psychological conflict that cannot be put into words. The body becomes the last refuge of unprocessed suffering.
This phenomenon is common, yet we often fail to pay sufficient attention to what our bodies are trying to tell us. Somatization can be reduced—or even prevented—by regularly observing bodily signals and reflecting on the emotional states that may underlie them. Doing so requires a degree of self-awareness, along with a personal willingness to cultivate practices that heighten attention to these signals.
Autistic Fantasy
This mechanism involves retreating into an imaginary inner world in order to avoid the frustrations of reality. While daydreaming is normal, autistic fantasy becomes problematic when it replaces action, communication, and engagement with the external world.
This is a frequent behaviour in childhood, especially among children who grow up as only children or who are separated from their siblings for various reasons (such as age gaps or gender differences). To cope with a gloomy reality, children may be inclined to invent an imaginary world in which they play a completely different role. This tendency can be observed, for instance, in children who read fantasy books or play video games. Such forms of escape may help them endure daily life when, outside these imaginary realms, they do not play a leading role.
In adulthood, however, indulging in autistic fantasies may have serious consequences, such as difficulty living a normal adult life, since this tendency is far more socially accepted at a young age than later in life.
Regression
When faced with stress, some people may adopt more childlike behaviors: excessive dependence, frequent complaints, disproportionate demands for attention, and an inability to make decisions. This represents an unconscious attempt to return to a time when they felt protected, but it undermines personal autonomy and places a heavy burden on those around them.
It may also express a desire to return to childhood because they did not feel sufficiently loved or cared for when they were young. In this sense, they seek to live the childhood they feel they never truly had.
Intermediate mechanisms: better than nothing, but insufficient
These mechanisms are not destructive like primitive defenses, but they do not allow for true healing either. They provide a form of relative stability—sometimes valuable—but one that remains fragile. They prevent suffering from overflowing… while also preventing inner growth.
Repression
Repression is one of the most classical psychological mechanisms: it involves pushing an idea, a memory, or an emotion that is too painful out of conscious awareness. It is not a voluntary act of forgetting, but rather a form of psychological quarantine.
This mechanism is often necessary during traumatic events, as it allows a person to continue functioning despite the pain. However, what is repressed remains active in the shadows. It later manifests in the form of symptoms, repetitive patterns, or disproportionate reactions.
Repression, then, is not the problem—it becomes a problem when it becomes permanent.
Repression can drain mental energy, as it may evolve into a constant internal struggle. By attempting to avoid certain thoughts, we may feel shaken or destabilized, knowing they could resurface at any moment. Thus, despite repressing them, we may continue to experience latent emotions associated with these thoughts, such as sadness, anger, nostalgia, or even regret.
Rationalization
Rationalization makes it possible to justify a behavior or an emotion after the fact by providing a logical but inauthentic explanation. For example, claiming you never really wanted a job after being rejected, or saying that a breakup was “the best thing that could have happened” while suffering deeply inside.
This mechanism protects the ego from a wound that feels too painful, but it also distances us from emotional truth. It creates a narrative version of oneself that is more acceptable than reality. As long as this façade holds, one can keep moving forward—but it also prevents a deeper understanding of what one truly needs.
We are probably all guilty of using this defense mechanism, and it is not harmful in itself. Some philosophies, such as Stoicism, are partly grounded in a similar principle: accepting what cannot be changed. And perhaps the easiest way to do so is to tell ourselves that it is, in some sense, better this way.
Intellectualization
Intellectualization is a colder variant of rationalization. The individual does not merely seek to explain; they turn their emotional experience into an object of abstract analysis. They may speak of grief as a sociological phenomenon, or of trauma as a neurological process.
Intellectualization is useful when one must remain level-headed—doctors, lawyers, and emergency responders often rely on it instinctively—but it becomes harmful when it turns into a permanent refuge from feeling. In the long run, it disconnects us from the body, the heart, and from others.
For some individuals, this mechanism develops early in life. When a child has suffered deeply, has not been able to express emotions freely, or has not received unconditional love, intellectualization can become a way to cope. This is especially likely if the child is academically successful. School, in this sense, can unintentionally reinforce intellectualization: it rewards control, analysis, and performance, while offering little space for emotional expression. Over time, adopting an intellectual mindset can become a way not only to manage emotions—but to hide and even suppress them.
Reaction Formation
This mechanism consists of adopting behavior opposite to what one truly feels, like a form of psychic camouflage. A hostile person becomes excessively polite; someone who is envious becomes overly admiring; someone who is attracted becomes cold and distant.
Reaction formation is an attempt to control an emotion judged unacceptable.
It “works” socially, but creates a deep inner split. The more the façade solidifies, the more the individual disconnects from their authentic emotions—and the more mentally exhausted they become.
At the same time, people who display excessive politeness, courtesy, or religiosity may actually feel, deep down, repressed sexual desires, insecurity, or even shame related to past events.
Displacement
When an emotion cannot be expressed toward the person who causes it, it is redirected toward a more accessible target. One gets angry at their family instead of their boss; one snaps at a stranger rather than confronting their partner. Displacement avoids direct conflict… but creates a toxic relational climate around oneself. It is a common mechanism, but it never solves anything: it merely diverts the suffering toward those one loves most.
Such behavior could be described as a form of cowardice, since the person lacks the courage to confront the source of their distress. And even though this defense mechanism is common, that does not mean others are obliged to tolerate it.
Undoing (Retroactive Annulment)
This is an attempt to “erase” a thought or act judged unacceptable by immediately compensating for it:
– apologizing excessively,
– multiplying reparative gestures,
– mentally repeating a reassuring phrase,
– performing a ritual to “cancel out” a feeling.
This mechanism soothes guilt, but prevents learning. The symptom is corrected—never the cause.
Isolation of Affect
This mechanism separates a memory from the emotion associated with it. One can recount a painful event with icy neutrality.
It is an effective protection against emotional collapse, but also an obstacle to integration.
The unfelt emotion remains suspended. It will return, sooner or later, often in another form.
Mild Dissociation
Mild dissociation consists of briefly disconnecting from oneself: a feeling of floating, of not really being present, of watching the scene from the outside.
It is an emergency mechanism meant to prevent emotional overload.
In the moment, it protects; in the long term, it weakens, because it prevents processing what triggered the dissociation.
Compulsion
Compulsion is the repetition of behaviors aimed at reducing internal tension: organizing, checking, cleaning, repeating phrases, touching objects, etc.
These are rituals designed to soothe anxiety, but which in reality reinforce its control.
Compulsion provides brief reassurance, but traps the person in an endless cycle.
Inhibition
Inhibition is a withdrawal from action: stopping oneself from acting, daring, speaking, creating.
It is paralysis in the face of others’ gaze.
This mechanism avoids risk… but also prevents growth.
What we never attempt cannot hurt us — but it cannot fulfill us either.
Mature Mechanisms: Those That Make People Admirable
Mature defense mechanisms are the result of long psychological work—often unconscious—that allows suffering to be transformed into growth. They do not deny reality, distort it, or project it onto others: they welcome it, integrate it, and use it.
These mechanisms are what make certain people pleasant to be around, solid, inspiring—not because they have no wounds, but because they know what to do with them.
Individuals who rely on these advanced defenses are able to experience their emotions without being overwhelmed, to protect their psychological balance without harming others, and to face reality with clarity and courage. This is not a permanent state, but a general tendency: a psychological style oriented toward responsibility and construction rather than escape or attack.
Sublimation
Sublimation is probably the noblest defense: it consists of transforming a raw impulse—anger, frustration, desire, sadness—into a creative, useful, or constructive activity.
An artist turns distress into a work of art; an athlete channels anger into training; an entrepreneur transforms a wound into motivation.
Sublimation gives form to inner chaos.
It is what generates great works, major breakthroughs, and lasting achievements.
It does not erase pain: it transmutes it.
Humor
Mature humor releases tension without humiliating, helps us breathe, and creates distance without self-deception.
It is the ability to acknowledge difficulty while maintaining a lucid smile.
Mature humor is neither sarcasm nor irony: those are weapons.
It is tenderness in laughter, lightness within heaviness.
An incredibly powerful mechanism for spreading resilience to others.
Altruism
Unlike sacrifice or emotional dependency, mature altruism does not come from lack, but from deep understanding: helping others helps us too.
Altruistic people know how to listen, support, and welcome others without exhausting or betraying themselves.
They give because they have found a way to be useful to the world while remaining aligned with themselves.
It is a defense mechanism, yes—but one that elevates everyone.
Assertiveness
This is the art of defending one’s interests, needs, and boundaries with calm, clarity, and respect.
No aggression, no passivity: a stable presence.
Assertiveness transforms conflicts into constructive exchanges.
It is deeply mature because it requires knowing one’s emotions, accepting them, and then expressing them responsibly.
Those who master it become sought-after partners, friends, and colleagues: you always know where you stand with them.
Anticipation
Anticipation consists of recognizing that a difficulty is approaching and preparing for it mentally.
It means saying: “I’m going to go through a hard time—here’s how I’ll handle it.”
Far from anxious rumination, anticipation allows planning, organizing, and managing energy.
It is the ability to face reality without catastrophizing or naivety.
A pillar of emotional stability.
Suppression
Suppression (not to be confused with repression) is the voluntary ability to temporarily set aside an emotion in order to focus on immediate action—with the intention of returning to it later.
It means saying: “I am overwhelmed, but I need to finish this first.”
It is a mechanism of emotional discipline, very useful when action is required despite inner turmoil.
It is mature precisely because it involves a commitment to process the emotion afterward.
Acceptance
Acceptance is the calm acknowledgment of a painful reality, without unnecessary struggle.
It is neither resignation nor fatalism: it is the abandonment of the illusion of control.
Acceptance says: “This is difficult, but it is here. What can I do with it?”
It is the foundation of all psychological healing.
Those who have developed it radiate a contagious form of serenity.
Resilience
Resilience is the culmination of several mature mechanisms combined.
It is the ability to rebuild after a shock, to regain shape after distortion, to rediscover meaning after loss.
It does not erase trauma, but integrates it into a broader story.
Resilience transforms a wound into wisdom, and an ordeal into evolution.
Resilient people inspire because they show that suffering is not the end of the story.
