Make Choices Based On What You Don’t Want To Be

You don’t always know which direction you want to take. However, you almost always know what you don’t want to be or become. In such cases, deciding by elimination is just as valid.

Risk mitigation: good choices often come down to avoiding bad ones

A happy marriage depends on both the quality of your character and that of your spouse. While you have some control over who you are, paradoxically, you have even more control over your spouse through the act of choosing. Before marrying, you can carefully decide the nature of the person you will spend your life with. It is inherently easier to change a future spouse than to change yourself. That’s why your control over the other, through the act of choosing, is significant at first glance. However, this choice must be mutual: no matter how much you desire someone, if they don’t want you, your options are more limited than you might think. To increase your capacity for choice in this context, you must enhance your desirability, that is, your value in the “market” of relationships. Changing yourself into someone else is a much harder task.

Everything in life can be summed up as making good choices by avoiding bad ones. Of course, completely avoiding risk is generally not the best decision, as it deprives you of valuable information that could help you improve. It’s similar in relationships. If you traditionally marry within your family, you prevent genetic renewal, which can be detrimental in the long term. You need to introduce what’s called serendipity.

To be the person you want to be, list the traits of the person you don’t want to be

Some people inspire us, while others repulse us—it’s easy to see this by looking around. We have just as much to learn from those who inspire us as from those who disgust us. The character traits we find despicable are clues to the person we want to become. For example, if you dislike greedy and self-interested people, this tells you that you could strive to be kind and generous. Once you’ve drawn conclusions through this reasoning based on antonyms, you simply need a strategy to develop that character within yourself.

Developing good qualities

Let’s say you want to be more generous. It’s often useful to start by exploring the root of the word—its definition and etymology. Let’s look at the noun:

• Generosity:
  • The disposition to give more than required and to take less than one could claim.
  • Nobility and elevation of sentiment.
  • Acts of generosity.

From Latin generositas: nobility, excellence, goodness.

This preliminary analysis provides useful information to translate this idea into action. There are essentially two ways to change: through thought and through action, one preceding the other. If you want to be generous, after reflecting on the definition, it’s about “giving more than required” and “taking less than you could claim.” This generosity can be expressed in four forms (the four languages of friendship): quality time spent with others, material gifts, services rendered, and words of encouragement.

Work on one quality at a time

Change takes time. There’s no point in trying to cultivate ten new values at once. It’s better to focus on one value at a time, as it will have a positive domino effect on other qualities. To develop a new positive trait, you need to establish a corresponding habit, whether it’s doing something or stopping something. For example, if you want to be truthful, honest, and sincere, you could adopt the habit of not lying. At first, this is difficult, especially if lying is a deeply ingrained habit. Stopping lying will create a virtuous effect, fostering qualities like courage, as it takes courage to tell the truth.

Avoid spending too much time with people you don’t want to resemble

We are the average of the character of the people we associate with. If you want to avoid certain traits, sometimes it’s enough to avoid certain people. When you associate with others—whether in friendship, love, or work—you open yourself to their influence. We are influenced as much by those who whisper in our ears as by those who shout at us. The whisper can be more insidious and dangerous than outright anger.

If you want to resemble someone, let them influence you

We are fortunate to live in an era that gives us timeless access to humanity’s works. Sometimes, it’s better to connect with the ideas of illustrious figures from the past than with your contemporaries. A book is an excellent testimony of an author’s thoughts. Through this, you can literally “download” the minds of the most remarkable people. Cultivating a mindset aligned with your ideal takes time because it must be infused with action. Action is what reveals the true nature of who you are. Reading and reflecting is one thing; forging and tempering your character through action is another. It takes time and a certain amount of courage to embody a thought of excellence.

People don’t change—what to do with this information when seeking positive influence?

Sometimes, we are misled by our memories. Time and distance tend to soften things and people, leading us away from the truth. If you observe a battlefield from 3,000 feet, you might admire the scene—the colors of explosions, the movement of tiny troops, the clouds of smoke, and even the bloodshed form an almost magnificent tableau from above. But this contemplation is only possible because it masks the horror of war, which kills youth and hope in humanity. Beauty is sometimes made possible only by the distance that obscures tragedy. Space and time improve things but can lead us astray. Because we can’t fully recall someone’s true nature, we might forgive them simply because we’ve forgotten. Trust your initial judgment. People change, but character is the slowest to change, so be wary of those who loudly proclaim they are new people. Often, it’s just a ruse to make you lower your guard.

The importance of trusting your memory

Trust yourself: if a place or person displeased you at some point, it was likely for a valid reason. Often, you change your mind not because others have changed, but because you yourself are different.

People don’t truly change; it’s more our perception of the world and our memories that shift over time. To improve your ability to make good decisions, ideally, keep a paper or digital journal to record your daily reflections, so you’re not a victim of memory distortion. By reading and rereading your past notes, you can truly understand how you felt at the time and make better decisions.

Memory: the brain’s way of improving the past

If memory tends to enhance recollections, it’s likely to help us live in peace. Holding onto painful episodes is never beneficial, so the brain helps us cope by altering the past, but this negatively impacts our ability to make good decisions.

Avoid choices with severe consequences and incremental gains

Some decisions are made for the wrong reasons, and it’s important to identify them. Many decisions fall into the category of tribalism or conformism: they are made to reaffirm group belonging but are neither necessary nor desirable on an individual level. Imagine you’re part of a martial arts club that regularly organizes bare-knuckle fights with other clubs. You might be tempted to join your peers in these brawls, forgetting that your initial motivation was to learn self-defense for street confrontations, nothing more. Your involvement in this group leads you to make decisions you wouldn’t have considered before, as they put your physical integrity at risk if you don’t emerge victorious. Similarly, you hadn’t planned on attacking someone who hasn’t wronged you. Is harming a stranger for glory, recognition, or self-esteem really necessary? History’s worst atrocities were often driven by tribalism. A battalion in operation can commit horrors due to escalating barbarity to reinforce group belonging. Group pressure is heavy and can shape many of our choices. That’s why it’s wise to evaluate a group before joining and avoid committing to it if you observe intolerable behaviors. Some risks are not worth taking because their consequences in case of failure are too severe: death, illness, or destitution. If you have a one percent chance of dying by doing something and can afford not to do it (unlike a medical procedure, for example), it’s reasonable to abstain. Similarly, if you have a significant chance of losing all your money (if it’s substantial) for a chance to become marginally richer, it might be better to refrain. It all depends on your expected gains and your maturity in your development. Early in your career, you can afford to take risks because you have little to lose, but as time passes, your choices can significantly impact your wealth, making you more conservative in your risk-taking.

Associate with multiple groups to avoid tribal pressures

To break free from tribalism and make decisions less influenced by social conditioning, it’s advisable to associate with multiple groups so that your sense of belonging isn’t tied to just one. When you can fulfill your need for belonging across several groups, you have more freedom to adopt desired behaviors because you can more easily leave a group that displeases you. Conversely, a lack of choice in certain environments (school, work, prison, etc.) can foster toxic and harmful behaviors. In such cases, seek out other, more positive or emancipating “tribes.”