Memory alters reality as it was lived and tends to smooth out all its rough edges: what was negative fades away, leaving only a lukewarm or even pleasant recollection, while what was positive is sometimes simply forgotten. Overall, memory makes the past gentler, which partly explains why it becomes easier to forgive people as time goes by. However, this alteration of memories is problematic insofar as it affects our ability to make good decisions. If you idealize someone you knew a year ago, you might nurture a whole range of fantasies about them, when in reality, people change very little. Time has the advantage of revealing someone’s true nature—often the very one you sensed in the first moments of your encounter.
Since memory tends to sugarcoat the past, it is important to set up systems that help you recall your initial perception — the one formed through direct contact — which is rarely wrong. Because distance in time and space tends to blur everything, keeping alive your perception of reality as you experienced it is essential.
A simple and timeless way to remember reality as you perceived it at a given moment is to write regularly about your daily life, especially the key moments. Diaries serve this purpose because they do not lie. No matter how your memory reshapes your perception, you will always be closer to the truth if you make a habit of writing and rereading those entries written at specific times.
An important bias lies not so much in the passing of time as in the elevation of personal consciousness. As we grow older, we tend to mature and reinterpret events in a new light. The more your awareness expands, the more past moments can appear fundamentally different; it is not others who change, but you above all. In this sense, it is encouraging to change your mind sometimes, for it is a sign of greater wisdom. Nevertheless, this progression should not make you forget that your perception of reality is generally more accurate when you face it directly than when you reflect on it retrospectively — even if your level of consciousness has grown.
The best source of hope for improving your relationships with others is, ultimately, to change yourself. It is far more reasonable to try to elevate your consciousness than to wait for a profound change in others. When you free yourself from the burden of wanting others to change, you regain control, because you focus on what you can truly transform: yourself.
A significant part of the population shows bad faith. This trait has its reasons. Let us first understand its causes before finding a way to counter it.
Why do people lie? There are dozens of reasons that could explain it. If I had to find a common one, I would say it is because people lack courage. Telling the truth means taking responsibility for one’s actions and choices. Lying is a shortcut that allows one to dodge accountability and deceive others. When you lie, you refuse to make the effort required to face the truth.
Lying seems more comfortable because it keeps you in a parallel reality that demands no action, only words. Bad faith can be seen as another face of lying. Those who display it often do not realize they are in denial. They have not made the necessary effort to see themselves clearly and therefore live in a sort of mirage.
As is often the case, bad traits develop over time, usually through habits formed in childhood. One factor that may foster such behavior is a permissive family environment. When at least one parent repeatedly acts in bad faith, they set a poor example for their children and indirectly authorize them to do the same. Knowing this already helps tolerate bad faith a little better, since we do not choose our family environment.
When someone exasperates you with blatant bad faith, a simple way to calm yourself is to think of much worse situations you have been spared, and to feel gratitude instead.
Imagine your sister is someone of great bad faith. You might lament this situation, yet if you reminded yourself that she could have been disabled or that your house could have burned down, you would likely prefer having a sister who is merely dishonest. Everything seems trivial when viewed against the backdrop of death or disgrace. Keeping darker realities in mind allows you to approach situations with greater detachment.
It is normal to see flaws in others. This observation should serve as a mirror, prompting you to examine your own shortcomings. Even if others are not ready for such self-reflection, it is good that you are — you cannot expect others to do what you yourself are unwilling to do.
Buying is voting, isn’t it? When you give money to a company in exchange for a product or service, that is money you are not giving to its competitor. That is why every purchase is made at the expense of something else.
If you buy from a company that exploits children, you necessarily disadvantage one that respects ethical standards and offers competing products.
Relationships are similar: your vote is your time. The energy and time you give to someone of little worth come at the expense of someone honorable and worthy. Use discernment — reward good people with the time you devote to them.
When you speak with someone, you can quickly tell how much they value you. Do not underestimate signs of contempt. Always maintain reciprocity. If someone looks down on you or neglects you, do not hesitate to distance yourself.
Remember that the time you spend with people of poor character always comes at the expense of those of great worth. Often, solitude is preferable — being alone means spending time with someone who deserves it: yourself.
Be a person of quality, so that you always have the option to spend time with someone good, even if those around you are not. When people disrespect or neglect you, be uncompromising: punish them with your absence. Others must understand that you are valuable, and that your disappearance from their life would be a great loss.
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