It’s easier to change partner than to change yourself

A couple’s relationship is a challenge, the first of which is a questioning of our ways of thinking and acting. A partner puts his or her finger on what could be improved, at least from his or her point of view. This explains why life as a couple is not easy on a daily basis. Moreover, when the two individuals who make up this couple are anchored in their positions, life can quickly become untenable. Finding a soul mate involves making concessions, taking a step towards each other, showing a certain flexibility that necessarily leads to personal change. The problem is that the other is not always ready to make these small sacrifices, or simply the other does not want to change. When one is part of a dynamic where one makes efforts and the other remains immutable, frustration is bound to arise. In the long run, such a relationship is doomed to failure or moral destruction of the one whose efforts are not appreciated. One of the reasons couples fail is often the lack of flexibility of one spouse. On the other hand, when the flexibility of one spouse is not appreciated by the other, there is a loss of motivation that contributes to creating rigidity in the person who was initially willing to change.

Change is frightening, yet it is inevitable. A relationship must be a place for personal development that benefits both members. In the long term, if there is no sense of evolution, the spouses will prefer to separate because they will have the impression that they evolve more alone than in this conflictual relationship.

More often than not, the person who is not able to bring his or her flexibility to the couple will simply prefer to change partners, in order to find one that is closer to who he or she is.

Tensions in a couple should not be rejected because they are a sign of mutual progress. Nevertheless, these tensions must not become the norm and everyday life must not turn into trivial disputes. A couple is a two-way project that must benefit both parties. The important thing is that both have the same vision, even if their lives differ in many ways. In the end, in the long run, if their life goals are the same, they will naturally come closer together and be ready to make the necessary compromises.

This is where the problem lies when looking for another partner with less conflicting traits. He or she does not question some of our certainties, but this apparent complacency makes us forget that our plans can diverge in many ways. Some therefore come to trade a temporary discomfort (linked to the conflictual nature that is a source of evolution) for a divergent future. This is terrible because that’s how divorces are formed: we let ourselves be lulled into illusions and seduced by mawkish words because they don’t come to question us, thus abandoning a radiant future.

A couple is like a startup, the partners have to be able to listen to reproaches and be able to change certain things rather than be comforted by a form of flattery. Without this, such an undertaking is doomed to failure, and the same goes for the couple.